With me, there is a really bad need that I've been trying to bury because there's never anyone to satisfy that need and after years and years of masturbation, that doesn't satisfy the need anymore…it's just the same thing over and over again. I need the emotional side too, along with the physical element.

There isn't anyone who would do more than mess around with me out of sheer pity (or they're not with the person they really want to be with and I'm convenient because unlike everyone else, I don't have anyone, ever). I'm basically there to make other people feel good until they get back with the person they really care about. If it were all about the physical aspect to me, that wouldn't bother me so much, but I want emotional connection…I want it to actually matter how I feel and not feel like I have to lie about whether I enjoyed it or not…I want to be the person they actually want to be with. But since that's not possible at this point (everyone wants to be with one of their exes more because everyone else actually has exes so I'll never be the first or second or third etc. choice)…it's hard to want to go back to being able to really feel sexual pleasure because then I'll need to feel it/be aroused all the time and only be able to relieve it myself in shame.