While I can't say that I have had similar behavior, it does sound like self-sabotage (which I CAN relate to). It sounds like you throw punches before anyone else can. Seems safer when you give them a reason to hate you instead of letting people get close to you, and hate you for "real" reasons (but I'm not sure they would).

First step would be to break the cycle. Easier said than done, I know. Stop drinking so much. Stop being mean. It's a defense mechanism that no longer works for you (if it ever did). To be honest, it takes more strength to admit that you are scared and vulnerable than it does to simply lash out. Be brave. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I just think you can do better for yourself. And it sounds like you want a better life for yourself. I think life can get easier when you don't have to watch your own back for the retribution coming at you.