Hi all,
I am new to the site and new to admitting the fact that I am struggling with depression. You would never knew it if you met me on the street. I have been feeling this for years but just never wanted to accept it-- like I was just feeling sorry for myself and all I needed was a different outlook. I would keep myself busy, mostly with sports. I was a gifted athlete and received a lot of praise for it. There was something so nice about working toward a goal and seeing positive results instantly. Now that I don't have that anymore, I am forced to deal with this issue that I have been putting off for so long. It has become very difficult for me to complete simple tasks. Going to sleep as well as getting started with my day have become very hard and time-consuming. I have not gone to class or turned in assignments for over a month. I cannot be alone with myself and constantly have the TV on. I've pulled away from my friends, family, and boyfriend because I don't want them to have to deal with my issues. I am embarrassed with the lack of control that I have in my emotions and my life in general. My personal relationships, grades, and self image are declining. There are so many times where I find myself wishing there was a "pause" button I could press and then just do nothing for as long as I needed. I do harm myself in times of frustration, and I sometimes catch myself having thoughts of dying and feeling relief or comfort in that. I am NOT suicidal, but I worry that one day I could be if I don't address this. This is so frustrating to me--I am very fortunate to have the life that I do and shouldn't feel like this. I have begun to see a psychologist, which helps, but I want to do everything I can to climb out of this hole. I don't want to burden my friends or family with this, and that's why I decided to join this forum. I need an outlet, and I need to know people understand. I want to feel better so that I can help others in the same way someday.