I usually don’t post my own issues here just because I feel like they are so insignificant compared to what others are going through, but I’m struggling with something right now and the amount of people in my life that are aware of my struggle with depression are few. That few are not available to me right now and honestly, because of the bad habits that I have it may not be good to talk with them.
Here go’s:
Sometime after I began therapy I started toying around with the idea of blogging (anonymously) my journey of self-discovery. Blogging to me would be so much more helpful in healing and forgiveness than journaling because I felt that I would be forced to look at things logically as opposed to the emotional rambling that my journaling consists of.
As I get more comfortable talking about my depression and as the path of healing has been revealed to me I’ve wanted for a chosen few people to follow my blog the choice being there’s. Two also suffer with some sort of mental illness. The third one of those people is my mom. In the last 3 to 4 years our relationship has gotten stronger and stronger, I know that it is because of the grace that God has shown in both of our lives. Wanting to share everything with her is one the results of our strengthened bond.
Initially I hesitated because my journey consists of me searching my past for the root issue of the mess that has burdened me up until now. Because my mom played a central role in my life as a child I thought for sure that what I wrote would open wounds for her and possible even make her feel guilty even though we’ve come as far as we have. So I told myself that I would wait.
Well… in my excitement to share, I selfishly disregarded my original thinking and offered her the opportunity to read along. Her response was what I had feared in the beginning but by then it was too late. She said “we’ve been moving forward now it seems as though we’re moving back”. I felt like an ***.
I tried to explain to her that the weed that almost strangled the life out of our relationship so long ago has been plucked, but for some reason I find myself at the same place in every other relationship (paralyzed with fear) and that the most important relationship I’m worried about is my relationship with God.
I then sat on the phone crying my eyes out silently because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her. I viewed her as being so strong. But in my selfishness I failed to remember that she’s had to endure so much in her life and especially before I was born. I apologized and kept apologizing. She said I didn’t have to. I think she’s not going to hold it against me but I don’t think she understands.
Is there any better way to explain it to her? Or should I just let it go and accept the fact that she can’t understand right now?