Ok, so I've just came out of a two weekish mania. I did all sorts of weird things. I still have a ton of energy and I don't sleep. But sometimes in the middle of the day all of my energy disappears and I crash and sleep for an hour. Most of the time I feel depressed now. And I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts again. Up until now I've been absolutely repulsed with self harm...now my left arm has bruises and cuts on the soft side. I don't even know why I do it.

I've done everything I can to get into my doc...the earliest they say is the 17th. I called my therapist and they can't get me in until the 17th either. (I skipped appointments during an episode so I haven't been to therapy since Dec 10ish) Besides going to the emergency room I just don't know what to do. I just want to be manic again so much and I feel like I'm trying to get it back. I feel like I'm in denial. I'm worried and far too embarrassed to talk to my parents. I can't talk to them, I have bad issues with them. I feel like time is not on my side.