Dear T,

This stuff is really hard....was your mom normal? I mean, was she loving? Did she want you?

I suspect she did cause I can see it in your eyes. No I don't know these things and that's true. But I feel it. If she did, I'm glad. You deserve that.

But did she ever purposely hurt you? Neglect you? Use you to meet her needs? Resent you for being sick? Tell you that you didn't love her? That you didn't care about her? You were never doing enough? That she wished you would grow up and leave already?

I don't think so....I'm glad if she didn't. But I really really wish you could understand more. Sometimes I get the feeling you might not want to see what I'm saying - like it's too hard to imagine. It might be easier to deny or minimize it than to admit it may have been the way I'm seeing it. It might be too difficult to hold. Maybe easier to blame the victim? I really need you on my side. Not so I can wallow in my own self-pity...no. Just so I can make sense of this. I feel shattered, T. It's more than injured. It's obliterated.