We are four years out of our marriage, with two preteen kids. I still have to deal with him a lot.

When we were married (and probably beforehand), he had many affairs. Most online, but some physical. I probably don't know the half of it. In the end he left me for someone he'd reconnected with from his past. He'd ALWAYS gaslighted me. Told me I was paranoid and mistrusting and that "trust was a choice", and that I'd simply chosen to not trust him. He made me feel crazy. Occasionally, when he would be caught red-handed and couldn't deny the affair, he'd profess that he was "sick", that he loved me, and please, don't leave me, he would say. He feigned support during my recovery, but of course found out he was having affairs then too.

He's always spent a ton of money on himself...expensive clothing, hobbies, courses so that he could 'find himself'...while I was trying to manage the household budget and sometimes didn't have enough to pay bills. He is a professional with a well-paying job so he always felt entitled, and probably thought of it as "his" money, especially since I was at home with the kids for many years when they were younger.

Eventually I had a total breakdown. Debilitating anxiety and depression, for the better part of a year. He feigned support during my recovery, but of course found out he was having affairs then too.

I slowly, with the help of a lot of therapy and a great pdoc, recovered from the debilitating anxiety and depression being with him for over 20 years cost me.

The day he left me, I felt instantly better. I was free and off the crazy train, at last.

Since then I have worked really hard to maintain a decent coparenting relationship with him, despite all the hurt he has caused me. His parenting style is best described as benign neglect. He doesn't emotionally engage with the kids, because really, he can't emotionally engage with anyone. The only frisson of feeling he seems to get is with one of the many women he is juggling at any given time. He has admitted to me that maybe this is the only way he can "feel."

Some recent events over the last year have really pushed things though to a crisis level between us. He's engaged in risky behavior that has endangered me and the kids, and lied to me about it. I do not trust him. Yet he tries to rationalize it and paint himself as the victim.

The scary part for me is to suddenly realize that despite the fact that I thought I'd gotten away from him, I've still been enmeshed with him for too long. I believed him because I wanted to, for the sake of an easy, cordial relationship. But he has squandered by goodwill over and over to the point of endangering me.

I confronted him over something recently and he lashed back in hostility, rather than admit that he'd made such glaring mistakes and lapses in judgement. He did this because all he cares about is himself and satisfying his needs, which I see now as totally narcissistic.

I guess I am in a bit of shock. Realizing that he is probably, and has always been, a narcissist through and through. My challenge now (and question to you all who have had to deal with narcissists) is how do I manage a relationship with him? I have to because he is the father of my kids, else I would happily cut him out of my life completely.

Any advice from those who've BTDT is muchly appreciated...