Maybe try to look at the lack of control over what he does or doesn't do as a GOOD thing. It is a huge responsibility (and an impossible one) to try to control others. He will do what he will do.
As for you, you can learn to set yourself some limits, without judgement. If you are in a long-distance thing and cannot feel safe in the status of your relationship, then your relationship isn't serving you well. A relationship should enrich and fulfil you, not deplete you, which is what i am hearing. It is not a question of fault- that is to say, it's not your "fault" that you can't trust and feel safe. It just is what it is.
If he is committed to repairing what has happened then some circumstance will have to change, on his part too, not just yours. Why does all the work of trusting and forgiving have to be on your plate? I am not sure how long you will be apart but that right now isn't working for you.
Just my thoughts...
Quote:
Originally Posted by rouge198
Your post really resonated with me. I truly heard you. I am very invested in control because I'm always trying to ensure that I can keep my anxiety manageable although I haven't been doing so well lately. I need to have certainty and guarantees to feel ok and you're right, that is loading a ton of responsibility onto my plate and I can't deal. I can't make him do anything and he says all the time " you can only control you, focus on that and you'll be fine." Still I do things in an effort to get certainty though I don't snoop or any of that as were almost a year out from it.
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