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A vulgar word to use with depression perhaps, but I’ve been giving that term some thought in the last few weeks. If someone was to say to me that my depression is just an indulgence I’d no doubt and with little politeness tell them what to do to themselves… but this is self reflection and I’m curious if others have been there, done that.
I’ve seen others mention that irrespective of their ideations and intrusive thoughts, the ‘concept’ (possibly a bad choice of words) of being depressed needs to be curtailed in light of real time responsibilities – children, wife, vocational work etc. For me, it’s my wife… economically we’re not in a very good situation + she wants children… and with the biological clock on count down (she’s 33), the thoughts of forcing her to get back into the dating scene makes me see any easy way out a selfish and irresponsible act… especially with the emotional damage it would probably inflict.
This could be excuses on my part, but… but it’s curtailed a lot of spiralling due to dogged determination rather than actually feeling ‘better’.
With that said, the thoughts are still there… and there is always that niggle that should things go pete tong (cockney rhyme for wrong), loss of job, massive breakdown in relationship… some disaster that blind spots me… the control could badly slip.
Things have been better since I’ve been seeing my new T (not sure how hit and miss ‘private’ sessions are, but thus far the quality has been significantly better than nhs)… but it’s a slow process… and odd notions of ‘cliff hangers’ to be continued on the next session… which leads to a hell of a lot of ‘wtf’ and mulling in the down time.
Not sure if I’ve gone off on a tangent but free writing this.
So yes, do any others here see curtaining off their depression (or at least curtailing bad spirals) as acknowledging it as an indulgence… or, could that be seen as repression that could lead to a nose dive into the abyss later on?
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Independent Mental Health Advocate (IMHA): UK
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