{Sorry for the book}

Hi Amelia,

I actually have been in the same boat with you and reading all of these horror stories on hear has completely freaked me out and made me insecure with our relationship. However, I did a self evaluation (which I would offer you to do as well) and really thought about my own boundaries and hers and I have chosen to be okay with the fact that she is a caring (seemingly amazing) therapist. Like you, i've had my friends tell me that I am too attached, I had one friend who is a future T flat out say "she is not your friend" and i've had another friend who is currently a T who I've discussed a few things feel that my T could put up more boundaries but the more we talk about things the more she feels that T is actually in fact, a good T for me.

People can only make their judgements based on the things we tell them; so when they hear about all the pleasantries they assume its crossing a boundary. They don't know the circumstances that led to those events, your prior history, your T's thoughts on relationships as part of the therapeutic process. I think that you should be aware (as not to be manipulated) but I also think that it is up to T to be responsible for their own boundaries that don't violate yours. I have openly asked my T when she did something for me financially if she was practicing good self care by doing that and she made it clear that she is a-okay.

I don't actually know if T would hold my hand, but I know she will hug me if I ask (which I don't) and like you, it is comforting to know that. Like you, she responds within 3-24 hours to my emails (once even in like 10 minutes because she happened to be online), she too shares her faith and I, also, do not feel any transference. There was one point where I let PC do too much to my thought system and thought that because I missed her that I was experiencing transference and things would get all messed up now because I was too attached etc. I drunk emailed her (please don't ever do that) and told her said things and she told me it was okay to feel attached to her. It wasn't a sexual thing, it wasn't relating her to any missing vital person in my life - I just missed her. We had formed a bond, she was a safe person for me so it was natural to want to go back to that safe, loving place.

There is really not much that you've said that I can not relate to my own T experience. And I disagree that she should not have feelings for you. It does hurt when people tell you that, and it's made me lose faith a little in my T who has shown me nothing but a compassionate, trusting, balanced relationship - all because I let what other people said cause intrusive thoughts. One thing my T told me is that she would stick by me and show me that 'not all relationships end the same way.' If I continue believing what others tell me than I'm sabotaging my own healing, as are you. She's made it clear to me that she is not perfect but she is in this with me and if I don't make the CHOICE to believe her - I'll never reach a point of healing.

I do think its a bit controversial and I'm totally with you, I used to get angry and defensive about it as well. But I realized that not everyone has had or will have that experience, not everyone has or will have those same needs and it is ultimately up to you to decide who is right for your life and your healing. I can't tell you that things won't change, but T and I have been in this together for 8 months now and we're still going strong. Good luck.