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I have been really struggling with some ugly flashbacks again. I seem either in a rage against the abusers or in tears from the memories –fear and pain. I have tried writing but not getting anywhere, fast and I want to get past this; fast.
I just want to bash her head in I want to rip her hair out. I want the body memories to fade away – my tummy hurts and my ibs is acting up something awful. I hate her and I hate myself. There was no way to avoid it and I don’t know how to get past this. I don’t want to punish myself for it. It was not my fault, but I hate that my body responded and now pleasure and pain and shame are all mixed together in me.
I have come too far to give up but this is a mountain I don’t want to climb, a tunnel too deep and slimy to traverse. The depression is bad. There is an awful blizzard here right now, my spice is stuck in the city, and I am home alone. I dunno maybe I just need to cry for a while.
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dalila
Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.
-Erma Bombeck
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