I've had a ridiculously busy and stressful few days so I've not been around, sorry. I was so nervous yesterday on my way to the psychologist appt that I thought I would pass out, but he seemed nice enough and reasonably competent. I told him the type of things I wanted to work on, and explained that though I am insightful into why I have these issues I struggle to change them. We talked about when I supposedly had CBT before and why I feel it wasn't helpful, and how after telling me our sessions were open-ended the T suddenly changed jobs and I hadn't made any progress. Then he told me that he was unable to provide long term therapy, but 16 sessions max. (which my parents were really cross about when I told them afterwards), and intended to start with 6 and then review our progress. He tried to make out I was angry about that, but I explained that I wasn't angry, though possibly disappointed, as I know how the NHS and psychology profession operates and how unusual it is to do long term therapy. I didn't mention the whole PD/lack of diagnosis thing because I chickened out, and I'm hoping to get my hospital records soon.

He tried to make out that 12-16 sessions was loads of time, but I disagreed. I pointed out that I spent 15 sessions with CBT T just messing about talking about things without emotions and laughing stuff off as no big deal, until I realised what I was doing and started being more authentic. And then he left. Psychologist seemed to think this was a huge breakthrough and that I magically wouldn't do that this time, but I explained my doubts. Firstly I realised this years ago and haven't been able to stop doing it, and secondly I've even told people (inc CBT T!) that I do this and they STILL fall for it, thinking I'm doing fine when I'm not. So I said I could easily go 16 sessions with him and make no progress whatsoever, and how this is my last chance at therapy, both in my eyes and the CMHT's eyes.

Anyway I'm near the top of the list: he anticipates starting around May. Then he did this annoying thing the other psychologist did at my last assessment too where they seem to be fishing around for compliments - how did I think the session went? What went well? Did I feel he understood me? Etc. It's just weird. And he said that he was surprised at how open I was, because he expected me to say nothing or very little after meeting me at the hospital discharge meeting. But that time I had Mum there (and she talks over me) and I was P'd off last time, though I didn't say any of that. I said that after years of experience of talking about myself and the past, that I'm used to being expected to talk about it with strangers, and that though he feels that I've opened up, I haven't told him anything I consider to be that personal or emotional. It's pretty much all in my file already!

Anyway that's basically all that happened that I can remember, except on my way out I saw hospital pdoc in the corridor and felt ridiculously angry with her. I wanted to smash something which isn't like me at all.

The rest of yesterday I had to babysit my sister and cook tea while my Mum had her hospital appt. I got so stressed with my sister and then overwhelmed at having to cook that I sobbed the whole time I was cooking. Luckily I stopped before my parents got home so nobody saw my meltdown, which is good but I just feel so pathetic to be overwhelmed by something so insignificant in the grand scheme of things

Today I had a migraine, which luckily eventually subsided a bit so I could run around like a headless loonie. I've been so busy running errands and haven't stopped all day. I'm exhausted! Then I had youth club this evening, which was hectic as usual, though the kids seem to enjoy decorating their elephants. I still haven't had time to finish mine yet. Then Mum came home from her emergency GP appt cos her blood tests revealed that she's developed diabetes and needed to start meds. We're hoping that it's due to the steroids she's on for her liver and will disappear when she stops the steroids in a few weeks. It's just one thing after another though with her health. Her liver biopsy showed that it's def autoimmune and that the damage almost qualifies as cirrhosis so it's pretty bad

Anyway I'm exhausted and have to go to bed now. Sorry I've not been around the last couple of days. Hopefully tomorrow will be quieter, though my niece and nephew are coming to visit which will be hard work (they're 3 & 1).

Hope everyone's ok

*Willow*