Everyday is a huge energy suck on my brain because almost every minute is dedicated to all these really stressful upsetting obsessive thoughts and then thought rituals and it's making me really upset.

I feel like no matter what I do, it's wrong.
Part of that is the actual OCD mechanism [a large part of it]. The other part is that people are mistaking my high anxiety for going utterly bipolar bats**t and I've pretty much never felt so invalidated in my life.

But everything is internal... so everything is fine, right?

I'm not checking for my keys and going through my pockets every ten seconds for an hour, so it's not a problem. Mental anguish is never a big deal, even to the point of torturous pain.

So I just pretend things aren't that bad because when I talk about things being hard or upset, I'm not allowed to then the next day report that I'm still upset or things are hard.

If I do, and don't say things are better, than I'm seeking attention.

...most of this is some kind of OCD hell, but I can't stop it, and everyone is trying to tell me in not so many words that I should just give up and be depressed- when it's really just excrutiating anxiety and panic. ---ok not everyone... people who are familiar with depression. Anyone not familiar with it basically has NO CLUE anything is wrong because, again... all internal and people only know something might be wrong if I choose to share that. But I don't share often and when I do I'm pretty immediately told it can't be that bad by half the people I interact with. The other half seem to take an opposite tactic and want to drive me to my bed for several months. It's a no win.

And again... not a big deal to cry so much your eyes are burning on a pretty constant basis, right? I mean, because no one else is seeing the crying, so no one else is made uncomfortable and I still get my chores done.

I kind of hate most things right now, including my stupid malfunctioning brain.

Everything doesn't suck, but sometimes I'd like to just make a ridiculous blanket statement like that and kick a hole through the wall.

Then maybe stomp off down the street and yell that no one loves me and no one understands.

I can't do that though.
I have the feeling, quite a lot, that if I was to actually communicate how crappy I feel even like two thirds of the time I felt crappy... I would be kicked out of every conceivable social circle. I'm expected to just handle it and bounce back and just "pull through".

The times that I find that really really really difficult, or express that it feels impossible? Nah, just being melodramatic.

I mean right?

OCD is the new black, didncha know?