You will see how all of that would become relevant.

more background - I only fantasize about real people in my life. The concept of masturbating to a fantasy that involves aliens is, no pun intended, completely alien to me. Also, I used to be able to masturbate without fantasy.

now, sad history. Some 20 years ago I knew a family of friends. His name is Jacob and her name is Leah. They have two sons, one a bit older than me and the other younger by a bit. Both sons, as I realize now, would have been perfect catches for me, especially the younger who was completely adorable. Back then, the older brother's acerbic wit was too much for me, but now... I could handle it.

Quite unfortunately, at the time of my meeting this family, I was married to my first H, who wasn't an abusive monster like my second husband, but was one boring self-absorbed piece of crap, an only child of a mother who considered him the center of the universe, and he learned to think that way, too.

in other words, there was no direct damage from first H, but, in retrospect, there was huge harm in that being married, I didn't even consider Jacob's sons as potential suitors and, eventually, more.

then, after first H and I separated, realizing that the early marriage was a mistake, I found myself falling in love with Jacob. First it was platonic, when I registered, to my utter and complete surprise, that I felt incredibly comfortable in his presence. Not doing anything together - just being in his presence. I was a twenty something and I was stunned, because never before had I felt that at ease, and it was saying a lot, since I had had many first rate friends, but still. I realized that I could spend any amount of time with him, not getting bored, stir-crazy, or annoyed. The realization was astounding, but there was no erotic component at that time whatsoever. Just my being stunned (to add, I had, and, knock on wood, bff girlfriends who spoke my native language, shared my cultural heritage, and were my age peers, and much as I loved them, after spending a lot of time with them non-stop, I would get tired, and here is an American guy older than my parents, and yet...

way past my bedtime. I will have to finish tomorrow. I am sorry it is so long - I am going back in time to early 1990s...