Hello all, I first posted this in the Newbies forum and was advised to post it here too. Its a bit of a long story, I hope you have some time for a read, I could use some input from anyone in a similar situation.

I'm a 46 year old male living in Sydney, I've been married 24 years and have 2 boys. I'm glad I found this forum, I'm hoping to find kindred spirits who value their physical as well as mental health.

I was diagnosed bipolar at the age of 43 after I had a manic episode. The episode was triggered by tremendous anxiety, I was going through a significant amount of emotional trauma at the time and I could not sleep. After 4 days straight with no sleep I believed I was the angel Michael and that I had a message from God to deliver to the world and was put in hospital.

Nothing like that had ever happened to me in my life before. In hospital the doctors asked me a lot of questions I thought were really strange, if I had ever felt I had no hope, if I had ever had thoughts about harming myself, questions I couldn't relate to as the answer was an emphatic NO! It seemed like they expected that I should have experienced those feelings.

I was put on medication, discharged from hospital after 3 weeks and told to make contact with a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told me I had bipolar disorder and that I would need to take medication for the rest of my life. I was a very fit active and healthy person at the time and I hated the idea of putting foreign chemicals into my body. I still do.

I took the meds but told the psychiatrist I wanted to be off them. I could feel the meds made me feel unwell, I had lost my motivation to exercise, I suddenly lost the strength I had in my legs and could ride by bicycle fast anymore, for the first time in my life I experienced depression. I was suicidal, I had never felt that way ever in my life before. I blamed the meds. The only thing that kept me going was that my family needs me and the thought that one day I would be off the meds and then I would feel better.

Over time I tapered off the meds and eventually stopped them altogether. I was expecting to immediately feel better but that didn't happen. It took some time but I did start to feel better after a couple of months. After 4 months my wife tried to commit suicide. I couldn't see what I was doing but I was treating her terribly, I had no idea that there was anything wrong with my behaviour (I have never struck my wife but was quick to anger and would shout a lot) or how I made her feel. It was a big shock to me. While she was in hospital I was anxious again, I couldn't sleep, after 6 days of no sleep I believed I was Jesus and that I was going to be made king of the world. I called the ambulance to come and get me one morning at 3am, I couldn't take it anymore.

Different hospital, different psychiatrist, different approach with drugs. I was back at work in 2 weeks. I told my new psychiatrist that I hated being on drugs, and he has me on a very low dose so I don't feel too bad, I'm only on 2.5mg Zyprexa and I've been well for many months.

The problem I have is that my metabolism is very low, I have little motivation, I struggle to get out of bed in the mornings, I'm lazy, I don't help out much around the home and my wife has to get angry with me before I do anything. Its a bland existence. I've put on a lot of weight, I have no motivation to exercise, I just don't like me like this.

I have tried not taking my meds for a few days at a time to see if I would feel any different, and when I stop I feel better immediately. I have much more energy and getting out of bed is much easier. I just went 3 days off meds and felt awesome. I took my pill last night again and woke up this morning feeling terrible, it was such an effort to get out of bed.

I want the old active me back, but at the same time I don't want monster me back that gives my family a hard time. I think I can handle the monster, my eyes are open now to how I was before.

I'm thinking that maybe I could go without the Zyprexa and only take it when I need to, when I get anxious? Does anyone else have bipolar and doesn't take meds?

Sorry for such a long post, I hope I haven't bored you! I look forward to spending time on this forum.