Quote:
Originally Posted by chromegirl
That's an important point, not to be missed. If he has a need for external validation, particularly in the form of romantic attention from women (this was my ex-husband to the letter) then this is a problem that is not going to go away unless he recognizes it, and does the long, hard work to deal with it. In my ex's case, he never did. So we would go through these periods of "remission", where he would not be engaged in intrigue with other women, but eventually he'd relapse. (I'm deliberately using the language of addiction btw, because that's what it was.)
I went through this cycle sooooo many times. And in the end the only way to break the cycle was to be out of that relationship.
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My fiancé is a male CSA survivor. The validation he needs isn't sexual, it's more verbal affirmation. He doesn't have a history of cheating but I know his need for female validation stems from the very tumultuous relationship that he has had with his mother throughout his life. She derides him and is probably one of the most negative people I've ever met.
He doesn't primarily need complements or foreplay for arousal, which always confused me, he needs to be told he is a good person and worth something and then he is extremely aroused both sexually and in terms of his behavior - he lets his wall down. I always wondered if this is because of his feelings of unworthiness related to his rape. He is always concerned with how I view him as a man. It took him years to cheat and I admit I was emotionally absent for a very long time so I don't think it'll be habit for him.
That said, he is starting therapy to deal with the issues he has with his mother and his molestation as a child which took place under her watch. He also attended therapy with me immediately following the affair and our couples therapist instructed him to stop seeking external validation and then worked with him on setting boundaries with me and others and affirming himself. He seemed to respond well to it.
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