I am glad I have found a place to get things off my chest, so here goes. I am really angry at life, I am pissed that very few things seem to work out for me. I am tired of always on edge and scared of everything. I have my parents to blame for the start and I am mad at myself for keeping it going but I have no idea how to stop it. It has hurt my marriage and it seems as though my children have the black cloud over them too. I love my wife ( we have been married 24 years) but my wife thinks I am nuts and I agree with her. When I was very young I knew that things were not right at home, parents arguing and fighting all hours day and night. I always felt like a bother to them so I tried to stay to myself. I ran away at a very young age and lived in cars and wherever I could till I was picked up by police and put in foster care, I couldnt take being hit, kicked, slapped, and low rated by my father anymore ( the name father makes me SICK ) so after months I went home only to leave again out the window in the middle of December in Chicago. I slept under bridges and in other peoples homes till again I was picked up by police and put into foster care. Here is where my life statred to really go off track.The youth officer was starting a program and I got to join it. What really happened is he taught me to drink chase girls and drive him around in the police car. I was only 15 driving a cop around town so he could chase the girls. During one of the sessions I had to have with the police cheif in the town my mother was there and confessed that my father would beat her up and that he had put her in the hospital a couple of times and that the last time she was pregnant and he kicked her in the stomach and she lost the 6 month old baby.Why the f@&$ did she stay with him? Why did she have 6 children? Why did she allow her husband to beat the **** out of us? And afterwards she would try to push it under the rug? Why did dear old dad hate me so much? What did I ever do? For him to pull guns on me , threaten me? I am to the point I dont give a f@&$ anymore. The older I get the worse the dreams are at night for me and the more I hate and cant stand to be around anyone anymore. My other brothers are alcoholics, beat there wives, and so on. I have never laid a hand on my wife or sons but have been off in my own world alot. My wife is the strong one of our family. HOW do I stop the past from ruining our future????? There is a whole lot more to my story, sometimes I think I should write a book, but no one would believe it. Please dont tell me you feel sorry for me I have dont hat for myself enough. I just know I am more than I am I just dont know how to do it? Has anyone else had a more screwed up life? What I have written was just a small portion.