Hi jellyfish.
Sorry you're suffering such confusion, and I hope you can find some point of stillness or 'okness' within yourself.
I don't know how to possibly offer anything else that might be helpful cos I don't know what you're going through.
It's pretty impossible for anyone to tell you what's going on with you until you talk to someone about...what's going on for you. So I also hope that you will be able to accept/find someone to listen to you - might be worth accepting someone who is available for the simple reality that talking to someone who's willing to listen is a great help in itself.