Something in your life is keeping you going. I know its hard when everything seems to be falling down around you. Honestly, at 36, you are younger than you think. If you were to find the right guy, you are not to old to have a child, and then there is always adoption. I was adopted and my parents loved me as much as their "natural" son.

God doesn't expect perfection, nor does he expect you to never lose hope. At least that is the way I feel. We do our best. Some of us are saddled with more than others.

If you are not already seeing a therapist, do so. It may take some time to find one that suits you, but getting to the bottom of why you are depressed, be it emotional, chemical or both, will help you.

I do understand the feeling of wanting to just give up. In '98, I finished my DVM degree, something I had wanted since i was 6 years old and worked my butt off for 8 years to get it. The income also gave me the freedom to own a horse, my second dream of a lifetime. Three years later, I came down with a chronic pain condition. Since then, I slowly lost the ability to work, couldn't get out to see my horse, the fallout from the original pain caused more. I've lost everything. My day consists of picking one activity for an hour or so, then laying down and holding still to keep the pain at bay. None of the meds work anymore. Occassionally I am able to get into work for three or so hours. That flattens me for days afterwards.

There are days when it doesn't seem worth it to keep going. Still, there are people in our lives that love us and need us. For me it is my good friend. For you, your son. If you haven't already, sit him down and explain to him what you are going through. kids don't always know. I lost my son in a divorce my senior year of college. Until recently, I thought he understood why I couldn't make it to visit him (he is three states away). He didn't know. He only had the poison from my ex, but that isn't relevant here. Now that he knows, his attitude has changed and we are closer. Don't assume your son understands. Its hard for kids to really grasp, but knowing that you are trying, love him just as much but can't function like many parents will give him information that he needs. Kids are precious, they grow up fast and you only get one chance with each. Don't give up. Life can change quickly, and often for the better.

Sam2