Willow this may be rude of me to ask but I'm wondering do you ever feel happy or satisfied when you get something that you want? I'm just thinking of ECT at one point you really wanted it and then you changed your mind and it was forced on you but it stopped the voices which is also something you wanted. Now you get the therapy that you've always wanted but you don't want to cooperate with the therapist...so that's my question do you stop and be thankful when you do get something good? I'm just wondering because some people don't feel they deserve good things and it blocks their ability to enjoy them...this is often one of the underlying negative cognitions with depression. Anyway you don't have to answer but I just wanted you to know that I think you deserve good things and happiness and that you are a good person.