I never really paid attention to myself, or questioned why I thought the things I thought or acted the way I acted. I grew up in a family where my word and opinions did not matter and feelings were bad. As time progressed I began to accept that everyone must think like me and see life as I do. I didnt questioned it.
Little did I know that I was a sociopath, I had trouble expressing myself growing up and became a manipulator and a master at reading emotions at a young age. I felt I wasn't treated like a person. And people never saw my point of view or tried to understand me, like I didn't exist. I became interested in psychology and began to study it, I lacked attention from my family so I got a sense of accomplishment studying it because it felt so natural. Like psychology was common sense,but I never asked myself the question, why is human behavior common sense to me.
I manipulated my way through life with no effort, I felt like a god. The 4 years of high school I walked around like a king. Everyone fell to my will and no one resist the perfect blend of words and expressions, I could stare at a person's eyes and listen to their voice and or the way they moved and it felt like i was hunting, in minutes I knew everything about them. I was the spider and everything around me was on my spider web.little did I know, what I was becoming.

The big question was why did I have to manipulate, control, and disguise myself to be accepted. Because each time I try to express the original me people did not understand me and rejected my point of views. So I expanded my understanding and set myself another goal. Why is it impossible to find one person, in this big world that understands how I see life?

During my research on human emotions, I came across micro expressions and like everything else it felt like common sense. Life around me became harder to cope with due to the fact that I saw everything for what and who they really were. This was a very dark time in my life because I never realized that people lied and wore so masks to conceal emotions. I realized that I never had felt a real emotion, just anger. I analyzed myself to try to remember when I felt anything at all. I googled "why don't I have emotions?" and as I was scrolling down I saw the word "sociopath" after reading it, it felt like they were describing me. I felt understood but something wasn't quite right, yes I manipulated and controlled people but it was never for personal gain, since I started doing it at an early age and I was taught not to question anything I thought everybody was like this. I made it into a game where I would just try to know everything about them like a secret agent gathering intel. This is where the twist comes in since i started at an early age I saw people like if they were broken and I wanted to find what was broken and fix it. This is where everything contradicted the definition of a sociopath. Every person who I manipulated I was trying to fix and I felt obligated to do this because it felt so easy to control their emotions for their own Benefit in the process it made me into a humble person who tries to give the best of myself an made it so easy when I stop trying to fix myself and accepted for who I was. And in the end the lack of emotions helped because they didn't get in the way of how people behaved or treated me. It didn't matter what anybody did I always gave them the best of me because the rejection I felt was replaced by sadness and pity because I saw their problems and their solutions so easily but to them they were so far.

So i stop looking at myself as broken or trying to fix myself, I saw it as a gift to see life through different eyes and function properly with the world around me, like everything it comes with a price the lack of emotions and sometimes helping others means I have to be an outcast and walk outside the box alone. Because the only way I know how to move through life is by reading everybody and I can't shut it off getting ahead in life is quite difficult because I refuse to manipulate and use people for personal gain.