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Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans
I hear you. It's kind of a funny thing what I want my T to just get immediately and intuitively and what I'm glad that she doesn't. There are things my T doesn't necessarily get about, say, internalized homophobia that have forced me to explain myself to her. In doing so I've had some big realizations that I might not have had if we'd each assumed that she knew what I was talking about.
(Just the other day I was explaining the term micro-aggression to her and instead of letting it be a theoretical discussion she asked me to give some examples from my life. She asked how recently and often I felt I encountered micro-aggression and after thinking about it, I gave an example from the day before. It was a helpful conversation.)
Really internalized homophobia feels to me like a specific manifestation of shame and low self esteem. I feel like she really gets shame and low self-esteem quickly and intuitively so it works out.
What I feel like she doesn't get so well is the notion of depression as an illness rather than a feeling. She has had to really stretch sometimes to see where I'm coming from and I appreciate her effort but really, really wish she just got it. I've felt frustrated to tears about it at times. I've felt like finding a T who suffers from depression, someone who wouldn't say shite like "how you're feeling is a feeling... not a fact" that makes me feel like throttling her. We've worked on the issue and I stay with her because, apart from working well together in general, I appreciate how much effort she makes to get it and how much she cares about my frustration and sadness when I feel she doesn't. But I feel like in a perfect world she'd just know.
It sounds like that's how you're feeling about having a queer T. Various aspects of our lives, experiences and identities need specific kinds of understanding and care at different times. Right now, for you, sounds like it's important to have a T who just knows queer.
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I think this is accurate, for whatever potentially irrational reason. Like I remember certain things that I've brought up with current T, who is queer, like a specific example when I brought an essay to a writing instructor who is not current mentor figure (this experience reminded me to always, always, always bring essays to mentor figure!). The essay was on the ethics of representation of marginalized groups in the media, and I had a few paragraphs on The L Word, and the writing instructor was sort of uncomfortable with it and started treating me differently(ish) afterwards and it was making me crazy because I couldn't tell if this was all in my head and my own sensitivities or if this was actually a thing.
And T just totally understood this situation, 100%, and it felt really good to me. Even though she was saying probably the same things a straight T would have said, the intent(?) was different and I just read the whole situation differently and it was reassuring. She was pretty much like, "Yeah, this is what we have to go through as gay people, and yeah, it sucks, and yeah, you can never really know if it's them or you or both, and yeah, it's tough, and I get it." (And we discussed the importance of bringing things to mentor figure instead to avoid situations like this, because mentor figure is queer and would never have that kind of reaction. Self preservation.)
Also, I'm probably overreacting to the possibility of frequent social meetings with potential queer Ts...I mean, maybe at Pride or the queer film festivals and stuff like that, but that would sort of be the equivalent to running into T at the Santa Claus Parade, right? I could ask about their connections to my school and whether they frequently attend events that might pose a problem and whether they have connections with my mentoring program or the queer organizations I want to volunteer with next term, and discuss what would happen if we met socially or if we happened to have mutual acquaintances, and then make my decision based on that...I wouldn't want a T who knows mentor figure, for example; that would be really awkward.
But it's not like I'm in a small town or something; I'm in a big city and other than the big events, there's no reason to assume a queer T and I would cross paths on a regular basis. It's just this experience that is making me very anxious.