This is actually what I am struggling to accept right now. It doesn't seem healthy to me, but I choose the pain.

I know what to do with it. I cry. I scream. I curl into a ball. It is intolerable while I am experiencing it, but I can talk myself through it like it's a bad drug trip ...because I know it will pass. I know it's my illness.

But... mostly, other people (my family) know what to do with it. The can see my pain. They can empathize. They can see and know that I need them to have extra "care," or rahter, to be gentle with me. They know I need a hug.

When I am in a "numb state" with a blank affect. They don't SEE ME. They look at me and think I'm being lazy or rude. They don't understand that I'm still depressed... they think I am better, because they can't see my suffering in any tangible way.

My family gets annoyed and frustrated, not understanding that I am STILL helpless and held captive by my illness. I can't even defend myself. I don't have the ability to explain... I'm not even sure I can explain it to myself.

Being "numb" is HORRIBLE. I've described it before as feeling like there is an absence of self ...and yet, I am still AWARE. I KNOW I should be feeling more than I do. I KNOW I should be doing SOMETHING, but I can't. I'm stuck and struggling right in front of other people, and they can't SEE ME. I scream and no sound comes out.

Yeah, I choose the pain over being numb. At least then... my family doesn't end up resenting me... and I can understand pain. I know what to do with pain. I suffer less with pain than I do with numbness.