Quote:
Originally Posted by My kids are cool
Yearning, maybe the analogy doesn't work for people so well, but with any animal, abused or otherwise, I make a point of ignoring behavior I don't like or that is not productive. Abused animals often have weird, quirky things they do. I had one mare that would rear in place when upset. I never corrected her for it, but I never, ever petted her or went up to her while she was doing it either. I ignored it and when she stopped, I gave her attention and we went back to what we were doing. For me, it's all about not reinforcing behaviors that are problematic. If my daughter is angry and withdrawn, I let her withdraw, but let her know I'm available if she wants contact.
I think if your T were to follow you and give you reassurance and care and gentleness at that point, it would be reinforcing a behavior that is counterproductive in your real life.
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Probably. But I think when I'm withdrawing, that's me trying to protect myself from the other person, so I need them to show me they're not going to hurt me. I remember with former CBT, the thing that led to termination (other than ridiculous maternal transference) was her telling me that she wasn't going to chase me; she wasn't going to make me do the work if I didn't want to do it. She told me she wasn't going to book another appointment with me right that very moment and to call her to book an appointment when I was ready. I took that as my excuse to never go back.
If instead she had empathized and tried to connect more with me and been like, "I can see that it's really difficult for you to open up to me and I can see that it's really hard for you to trust me, and it's okay; I'll wait. I'm here and I'm not going to abandon you. What can I do to make this easier for you?" I might have actually engaged with her and considered what I really needed to be able to do the work. Instead, I interpreted her not "giving in" as her not caring about me and not wanting to work with me anymore, so I figured here was my excuse to leave. (I was also fifteen at the time, but there you go.)
I also feel like part of parenting (I know T isn't a parent, but as an analogy) is giving your kids love even when they're acting the least loveable. When I was a kid and I was having a tantrum (I suppose tantrum really = anxiety fit), the one thing that would have calmed me down would have been one of my parents giving me a hug and telling me they loved me instead of threatening/punishing/ignoring when I was literally crying out for help; the behavior was just manifesting in an incredibly unpleasant way. But you're not supposed to "give in" to your kid's tantrums, so they never did, and instead I was stuck trying to deal with my anxiety (which manifested in a tantrum-like way) on my own, because giving your kid attention when they're behaving "badly" is apparently bad parenting.
That approach did not serve me well in the slightest.
"Tough love" might work for other people, but it never has for me, and for me, withdrawing = I am in so much pain right now that I need you to help me through this, and withholding attention from me at that point would be counterproductive and would just reinforce the guilt I feel over not being able to get out of this myself. I've had people do that to me all my life, and it has only made things worse, so I feel like for me, I need something different.