Quote:
Originally Posted by Yearning0723
If instead she had empathized and tried to connect more with me and been like, "I can see that it's really difficult for you to open up to me and I can see that it's really hard for you to trust me, and it's okay; I'll wait. I'm here and I'm not going to abandon you. What can I do to make this easier for you?" I might have actually engaged with her and considered what I really needed to be able to do the work. Instead, I interpreted her not "giving in" as her not caring about me and not wanting to work with me anymore, so I figured here was my excuse to leave. (I was also fifteen at the time, but there you go.)
I also feel like part of parenting (I know T isn't a parent, but as an analogy) is giving your kids love even when they're acting the least loveable. When I was a kid and I was having a tantrum (I suppose tantrum really = anxiety fit), the one thing that would have calmed me down would have been one of my parents giving me a hug and telling me they loved me instead of threatening/punishing/ignoring when I was literally crying out for help; the behavior was just manifesting in an incredibly unpleasant way. But you're not supposed to "give in" to your kid's tantrums, so they never did, and instead I was stuck trying to deal with my anxiety (which manifested in a tantrum-like way) on my own, because giving your kid attention when they're behaving "badly" is apparently bad parenting.
That approach did not serve me well in the slightest.
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Ah, I think we're having a miscommunication actually. I thought you meant something else by the other person having to follow you. My T, when I'm pulling back and emotionally withdrawn, would never refuse to make another appointment for me. I have my regular appointments and he just gently reminds me that he isn't going anywhere. I can come and go physically and emotionally as I like, and he will always be there. He has used almost the exact words you suggested -- telling me he knows trust isn't easy, and I have no real reason to think that people in general are trustworthy, and he has asked me specifically what he can do to make things easier for me. But if I were to tell him I was leaving and tell him not to follow or call, he would let me leave and he would not follow. He would, however, probably call after a few weeks.
In reference to the kids' tantrums thing, I did mostly ignore my children's tantrums. I would tell them I love them and to let me know when they wanted to discuss whatever it was that was upsetting. I empathized with their feelings and said their feelings were acceptable, but their current behavior was not, and then I ignored them until they stopped the tantrum. They didn't have to stop crying, or being upset: they just had to stop screaming, hitting, kicking, whatever, and then they could have all the cuddling and attention they wanted. All emotions are okay; all behaviors are not.