Quote:
Originally Posted by My kids are cool
Ah, I think we're having a miscommunication actually. I thought you meant something else by the other person having to follow you. My T, when I'm pulling back and emotionally withdrawn, would never refuse to make another appointment for me. I have my regular appointments and he just gently reminds me that he isn't going anywhere. I can come and go physically and emotionally as I like, and he will always be there. He has used almost the exact words you suggested -- telling me he knows trust isn't easy, and I have no real reason to think that people in general are trustworthy, and he has asked me specifically what he can do to make things easier for me. But if I were to tell him I was leaving and tell him not to follow or call, he would let me leave and he would not follow. He would, however, probably call after a few weeks.
In reference to the kids' tantrums thing, I did mostly ignore my children's tantrums. I would tell them I love them and to let me know when they wanted to discuss whatever it was that was upsetting. I empathized with their feelings and said their feelings were acceptable, but their current behavior was not, and then I ignored them until they stopped the tantrum. They didn't have to stop crying, or being upset: they just had to stop screaming, hitting, kicking, whatever, and then they could have all the cuddling and attention they wanted. All emotions are okay; all behaviors are not.
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I didn't mean that I wanted T to physically follow me if I got up and left (although a phone call afterwards might be nice - T would never do that, though), but more like emotionally, if I'm pulling away from her and not talking as freely, it's not because I'm trying to make her react to me in a certain way, but just because I'm really feeling vulnerable in front of her and don't know how to handle that and need her help. So instead of her being like, "I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on," or "I can't read your mind," which to me is shaming, the empathy is important so then I can feel safer.
Or even if I'm getting frustrated at T and maybe not expressing myself in the best way, i.e. being like, "You're not
listening to me!" or saying things she interprets as critical, I'm not actually intending to be critical/rude or whatever, but that's just a sign that I've reached my patience threshold and am getting very frustrated and uncomfortable and feeling vulnerable, and instead of T (or anyone) being like, "You're just criticizing everything I say," or matching my tone and saying the same things back to me, what I really need is for the other person to help me defuse the situation and get my emotions back under control with compassion and without judgement, because I'm doing the best I can.
What I need in moments like that isn't harshness and for the other person to pull back because they don't like how I'm treating them or they think I need some space. Instead I need them to try to connect with me, because in those moments where I'm either pulling away from others or lashing out at others that's just because I'm in so much pain and so frustrated and upset at myself that it's manifesting in counterproductive ways. I need that person to empathize with that pain and reassure me that they're still here for me, even if I'm not behaving in the most perfect way right now.
To be clear, there are certain behaviors (ex. hitting, insults, threats) that should never be tolerated regardless of the circumstances, whether from a kid or a client or whoever. That's not really what I'm talking about. What I mean is just withdrawing, frustration, short-temperedness - those things can be worked through if a T (or whoever) responds gently, patiently, and skillfully. Whereas if I was doing manipulative things like trying to bait her into reacting a certain way or inappropriate things like yelling at her, that would be a different story.