As a lot of you may recall, I started the post "I see my T today." And I ended it with saying that I had an amazing session with him. I opened up a lot, a spoke about things that I previously thought I "would never" say to him. Most of these things centered around my attachment and abandonment issues, splitting, and black and white thinking. (Hi, can we say borderline?) Anyway, I told him a lot about how I feel about him, how I idealize him, fear of termination, etc. The moment I walk out of therapy is always the hardest because I know that moment is the longest time until I go back. The next morning I woke up feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. There was some sort of emotional pain that was literally making me feel sick. I couldn't immediately put words to what was going on, but as I took a shower and got ready for work, I did a lot of thinking. I realized that the "best" session was sort of the "worst" session because I tore down a lot of walls. By talking to him, I was deepening the therapeutic relationship, thus making me more emotionally invested in him. This, in turn, makes it hurt more when I know I can't speak with him, and it makes the fear of termination (whether that's in 2 years, 5, years, or 10 years), even greater. I told him sometimes I want to jeopardize "getting better" because "getting better" will mean I have to leave. He said, "Who will decide you have to leave?" And I realized that once again, I had the misconception that HE would decide when it was time for me to leave, i.e. abandon me. I then realized that of course, I am the one who decides when therapy is over. He told me that even if I do "feel better" it's okay to continue therapy. I'm scared because I hate forming this type of attachment. I feel vulnerable and I feel like it creates more anxiety. Closeness=destruction, best=worst, black and white, white and black, here I go again. There is no middle ground for me.