Well, people on this forum have told me many times that if this T isn't working for me, then I can try out other options. Even T keeps telling me to try other options. So I think I know what I want to do, and I think I want a T that I might be able to transition to seeing exclusively, depending on how things go, but for now I want to see both Ts. And I think for whatever reason, rational or not, I will feel more comfortable with a queer T. (Possibly because I've coded queer as less likely for maternal transference to happen; I don't know, but for some reason that feels important on a gut level.) I have two consults next week, and I've done lots and lots of research, so I really am trying.

And it will probably be fine; either I will like one of the two or I won't and then go back to the drawing board and consider other Ts who maybe don't specialize in trauma work or who aren't queer or whose offices are less accessible by public transit or whatever, and I will see where the relationship goes and keep my options open by holding onto current T. That seems like the smartest way to do it.

It's just all so overwhelming and I've been having way too much anxiety lately and realizing I don't actually have anyone to support me. I've been screwing things up with current T, with mentor figure, with my mother, and now I've made my discussion group that I go to every week uncomfortable for myself because I didn't know that one of the people who attends it is also a T. I just feel like everyone is seeing sides of me lately that I don't want them to see.