((fayc))

Have you ever sought therapy for your past? If you are always on the edge and scared of everything, you could have developed an anxiety problem or even PTSD. None of us are professionals, I have PTSD myself, and I did tend to be a bit hyper vigilant but I didn't realize what that was or that it had developed in my childhood.

Your father may have suffered abuse himself and unfortunately took it out on his family because he never got help with it. He could have even had some kind of disorder too. Was he a drinking man?

I really think you should try seeing a therapist with this challenge, getting this all off your chest can be so very healing. Just because you are a man doesn't mean you should be some tough guy and have lock this away or bury it somehow. You deserve to have a comforting presence that can help you learn how to finally heal that hurt young boy part of you. It isn't about someone feeling sorry for you or pitying you in some way either.

What you are describing is a child growing up who didn't have parents that nurtured him and provided a home where the child felt safe. You may love your wife and children but not be sure "how to love them right" though because you didn't get to see that growing up. However, if you spend time with a good therapist, you can learn to make peace with your past and also discover better coping skills, learn areas you can improve your self esteem, and by doing this will begin to slowly connect with your children even better.

(((Hugs)))
OE