There are so many things that are hard about bipolar.

I hate how much of my life it has taken away from me. Years of untreated mood episodes and wasted life, and 2 long hospitalizations.

I hate mixed states. I spent years like this. So much depression and agitation, dangerous behavior, and doing things I regret. I hate it how infrequent happy hypomanias are, and how there is always a cost when they do happen.

I hate feeling like I am going in circles, and like depression is the only thing that's real. I hate not trusting my own emotions and reactions when I am well but anxious, but trusting them totally when I am very unwell and acting impulsively. It feels like I can never make right all the things that have gone wrong.

I hate the stigma and discrimination. I hate feeling like I'm different and not as good as other people.

I hate being self-destructive. At the worst points, this looks like obsession with suicide, and at other times it looks like substance abuse or promiscuity. I don't have much regard for my own safety when I'm not well.

I hate constant anxiety, worrying that others will find out or that I have said or done something wrong.

I hate having to be on medication that flattens my mood, reduces my creativity, and makes me shy and withdrawn. But the alternative is worse, so I take the pills.

This illness has isolated me in a lot of ways since I've been treated. My last major episode damaged some of my friendships beyond repair, and now people view me as mentally ill and less credible. Before treatment I had a lot more confidence, now I second guess everything I think and feel.

There is more, but this is what comes to mind right now.

So there is a lot that is really difficult, but I can't etier be sure what parts are caused by bipolar because it seems to affect everything. I can't imagine life any other way. What I love about it is that I have more of a capacity to feel things intensely. I am very sensitive to everything, which is a blessing and a curse.