Hello everyone,

I am new here, and honestly, I have no where to go. Seeking professional is hard for me - I live in the gulf state and mental illness is really stigmatized here. Even though, I am 20 years old, I cannot defy my parents as I live in a collectivist society. Even If I did and got professional help behind their backs, its nearly impossible since its very expensive and I simply cannot afford it. I turned to this website, so as you guys have the first-hand experience with bipolar II and might help me identify what I am going through I guess. My apologies if this post is very long.

I went through very severe sexual abuse, since i was 9 until last August when I finally had the courage to speak up. Since I've spoken up- I have been experiencing feelings I have never felt before. Like: being paranoid, anxious, feeling that lump in the throat, tight chest, pain in my legs (especially my thighs and i feel like they cannot carry me), sometimes I feel like my toes are extremely cold sometimes numb. I am not sure if these are panic attacks but sometimes I feel extremely overwhelmed that my body cant take it so I just cry and even while crying I feel like I cannot let my cry out because I feel like i am going to lose control. Not to mention my negative thoughts.

As a psych major student, what I listed above screams General anxiety disorder, however, my real problem here is my other symptoms that does not make any sense at all. Since August I experienced 2 phases that i felt completely depressed in them. The first time it lasted a bit more than a week(October) and recently in February lasted 5 days. I feel extremely suicidal, loss of appetite and interest, i cannot focus and it is the only time i self-harm. When I wake up from sleep (which i sleep a lot), I feel extremely exhausted. I do get out of bed but thats because i have university, but as soon as i come back, i just go straight to bed. I lose my interest in my boyfriend and my friends and i barely talk to anyone and very low self esteem. Not to mention, feeling extremely suicidal. What really got to me is how i shifted from being completely depressed to extremely talkative, hyper, jumped from 1 subject to another (recently in february). My boyfriend was really amazed and thought it was really odd.

Sometimes I do feel very neutral but other times I become extremely talkative, random (so random that i'd wave at people's face sometimes), i have a very hard time sleeping (i would be very energized at 1 am, knowing i woke up around 10), I do feel sometimes that I am overly active and I want to participate in every event. Somewhere in September, I wanted to start an organization for children with UNICEF but ended up giving that up after a week of planning. Not to mention reckless behavior like: using my brother's credit card after telling me I cannot, I spent a lot. Also, sending inappropriate pictures to strangers, thinking about engaging promiscuous acts, getting in trouble (not with the law thankfully). Recently, around late December I really wanted to obtain illegal substances.

What made me realize that it might be bipolar is my friend - We help each other out with out anxieties but during my last 'depressive state', she said that I reminded her of one of her friends who has bipolar. I am trying to avoid whats called the 'self-fulfilling prophecy', so I called my best friend and decided to read bipolar II symptoms indirectly and asked her if I behave this way, her response was 90% yes to everything. So when I ended up telling her I just read bipolar's symptoms to you, her response was even more shocking. She said that I have always reminded her of a character in 90210 who has bipolar. So I know that I am not making anything up.

So what I have written above, does it sound like bipolar? I am not asking for a diagnosis. I just want to know if what I am experiencing is usual or not. I know I am not getting any help until I leave home for my grad school (which is in a year and a half).. maybe i just want a peace of mind, I am really confused and I have no idea what to do.