It seems like I'm really slowing down in therapy now, and I feel like I'm at a good but dangerous point. I'm weaker than ever, like I've opened a sort of Pandora's box and I find it very hard to even open up to my (wonderful) T now. I always feel ashamed and I alternate good and dull sessions and I don't like this.
Last session I had a lot to say but then I barely spoke, with a very low voice and short sentences as everything coming in my mind seems to me too silly to be told and I felt ashamed the whole time - which is definitely a worsening. I don't know how to reverse this. I don't feel like my T said or did anything wrong, it's just too hard. Even though I need to balance sessions, after 2 sessions about just ed I can't go back to abuse work and I think she sees that. I keep talking about it because the other thing seems to me too big, scary and disgusting to be brought up and it makes me feel like I'm complaining with no reason. I know it's normal but even though I told T I understand what she said, and I really did and know she's right, I still think (unconsciously) it's my fault and it doesn't feel right to complain. But this is getting in the way of therapy and again, I don't want to have her convincing me again and everytime that it wasn't my fault. I really hate myself for this but I'm stuck because now that it's getting difficult I feel unable to uproot this stupid feeling that doesn't allow me to process this ****ing trauma properly with someone who's there to help. How can I, if I don't want to disturb? Like when I told T I might have to stop therapy for a while, she asked me why and said "because I might get a new job and I would finish later in the evening and it would be too late for you probably" while she had told me so many times she will keep me. She said it again and it must be frustrating. But I just couldn't help saying it. I don't even feel right to talk about it with T again, because I perfectly know I'm there to process these things. And the problem is not even that I don't like my therapist, because she's the perfect match. Maybe I wasn't ready for therapy? I don't know anymore.