Ambra,

I am so sorry you are suffering so much at this time with the very difficult things you bring up in therapy. I really sympathize with you because I had sessions like you described with almost the exact same feelings. Parts of what you write I could have written word for word.
I had a very difficult session with my T once where I finally disclosed something about something that happened to me and I felt so ashamed the whole time, that I held my scarf in front of my face just so that I didn't have to look at her or see her looking at me. I imagined that she must be filled with disgust and disbelief. I couldn't believe that there was any other reaction possible when I told her what happened to me. At some point she came to me and took the scarf away from my eyes and said: "I believe you." It was that moment that I understood that I was safe. And I think it was key to the progress I made until now. I had preconceived beliefs what she must think of me but the reality was completely different. But how could I know that if nobody ever taught me differently?

I still feel ashamed sometimes and I still feel like pulling back sometimes. But I understand now that I am there for a reason. And that reason has everything to do with me. Not the therapist. She is great but mostly she helps me understand that I am worth something. Whenever I feel like you, I remind myself that what I have experienced was real and that I am in my Ts office because I need help. You are not disturbing, you are not an inconvenience to your T. I don't know how often I sent an email or text message to my T apologizing for being an inconvenience... But the truth was, that it was in my head - it was not the reality. Your T is there to help. And it's good that you made the step to seek help.

I don't know if this helps but I know there is hope. I love what ahdm said about the butterfly.. It's actually the image that helps me the most. We are all like butterflies somehow. We are in our shell for a long time after we survived the ugly caterpillar state (sorry, but I hate caterpillars, lol) but when we emerge from our shell, we can become incredibly beautiful and free and we will have wings to fly and are not limited to crawling around the ground any more..