Thank you so much. You are too kind...
I need to let my t know that this frustrating, empty, complaining person is not me. It's again the need to justify my behaviour but I think I need this to feel I'm worth listening to (like "yeah, she's not like this, she's actually a better person so I can spend my time on her"). I've told myself it's fine to be there but unconsciously I feel silly and ridiculous.
Last time T asked me to wait a while as the client before me was still there, it was the first time at all and it only took 5 minutes. She then apologized and she's done a lot for me too so that really wasn't the problem, but... I felt guilty for the boy, for arriving on time at my session while he was still there and for maybe rushing them or being in the way of something more important. And then I didn't want to play drama and tell her how much I'm actually struggling and this shame and impossibility to talk got me so frustrated that I wondered if there's hope for me if I can't help feeling so worthless.
But Ahdm, I loved your words, they were so helpful and the butterfly image is beautiful. I didn't remember about that at the end of the story.
I always write things down and T encourages it but this time I'm so scared about writing to her. I have to try.
Thanks Amelia, also for sharing your experience. I hope I find the key to unlock this too. Maybe the letter. I don't want to let T (and myself) down as I was doing good progress and now it seems like I'm suddenly relapsing and I hope I won't be dumped but that T has enough patience to wait while I slow down.
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Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.
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