Okay. That's a vague title. It's only very recently come to my attention that the first CPN/Therapist I ever had could be part of the reason I got to the extremes of self-injury.

This could take some story telling...
When all this mental illness stuff first kicked off, I was either late 13s or early 14s. I'd started self harming and my CPN told me in a grumpy, monotonous voice: "Show me them". So I rolled up my sleeve and he looked. His first and only words on the matter? "Oh. That's alright. They're only superficial. But I'm going to have to inform your parents anyway".

Thanks for that!

Anyway, things worsened and I swung from diagnoses to diagnoses over the years, went on a plethora of different medications, finished off puberty, advanced through secondary school, lost a tooth, got a filling, lost friends, made friends, got addicted to alcohol, you know - life stuff. And throughout all of it, my self injury obsession only got worse. Because that's what it was - an obsession. My shopping trips, social plans, nights, meal times etc all changed to fit around self injury.

For some reason, with every time I self harmed, I had to go deeper. If I stopped going deeper, I felt inadequate. Like a failure. Like I can't even self harm right.

Maybe, just maybe, that feeling of overwhelming inadequacy and urge to go deeper is because of the comment that one CPN made. He's the voice in the back of my head saying "It's only superficial".

Whatever the reason, the riskiness of going deeper has ended in operations in hospital to fix what I broke. And since that day, I have never willingly shown anybody my wounds - psych and general hospital staff have had to force me.

P.S. Up until recently, I was 7 months self injury free. It's totally possible and it makes you feel so proud.