Hi bazzinga, it is really, really good that you're able to reach out to us and we are here for you, but it sounds like you need a little more support too.
Emotions can sometimes build up so much and it can be a lot easier said than done expressing them/managing them when you're feeling so much pressure leaving you with fewer and fewer options.
Obviously you don't want to be cutting but............
So do you think you could make a phone call, when you're ready (assuming you're not in any immediate danger!!) to a helpline or the hospital. Remember you haven't failed if you need more help, it's just that things are getting too much for you right now.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking for more help, the one/the only important thing is for you to be supported in getting through this. And you are so worth all the help it takes to get there. So you are not alone there are people who can help, you deserve that help. Just let them know how things are for you in the same way you're telling us. It may be really hard, but you know you shouldn't have to be feeling this way.
Here for you
Alison