I was diagnosed with bp (don't remember which one) over 2 years ago. My entire life I just thought I was depressed with occasional bouts of happiness thrown in. I never knew what bp really was and had no clue that I had it. I also avoid. My mom always told me I just lack motivation and always put things off til the last minute because I'm lazy.

At the time I was diagnosed, my life was literally going to hell. I had a horrible time doing anything. I started having really bad anxiety attacks so I tried to stay home as much as I could. When I had to go out, I would avoid places that were really busy and did my grocery shopping at night when it was the least busy.

My therapist suggested that I apply for SSI, which I did. A few months later I moved to Indiana. I've been here almost 2 years and I haven't found any doctors or therapists yet. I've done everything SS wanted me to do, as far as see their specialist and all that, but they have still denied every appeal.

I have an administrative hearing on Tuesday the 11th and I am really freaking out. I don't have an attorney, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do or say. I tried to get an attorney, but none will even talk to me because I don't have a doctor. I feel like such a failure. I have nothing right now, I live in a house my mom owns and she gives me $100 a month to spend which half goes for the internet bill and the rest is not even enough to get by on, especially with a young child to care for. I NEED SSI so badly, but I still couldn't force myself to do what I needed to do for it.

So I have to go to this hearing alone. The worst part is that I can't even explain how I'm feeling most of the time. My thoughts are just a big jumbled mess and I usually forget half of the stuff that goes on with me when I have to actually put it in words. I'm so lost right now and I don't know what to do. I keep thinking that I might as well not go since they are going to deny me anyway. I mean I'm using my gas money for grocery shopping to get there, which means I have no idea how I'm even going to get to the store later. I've already had it postponed once, and they told me they would only do it one time to give me time to find an attorney. But I can't just not go, right? I've spent 2 years doing this and stressing over it, I can't just give up. But do I even have a chance?

So I guess my questions for you guys are

1. How do I explain how horrible my life is when I can't even put my feelings into words most of the time?
2. Is there any other way I can buy more time so I can try to get a doctor and attorney? I think if I can get it postponed again, that will buy me a few months to do this.
3. Do I have a chance at actually winning? I don't have a lot of history as far as medications or hospitalizations, or even doctors for that matter.
4. If they deny me this time, what is my next step? Can I appeal it again, and what happens next if I do?