So this has been on my mind for a week - since I met my new pdoc - possibly more without my really realizing it. I don't think I'm doing well, though I'm not showing typical signs.

Good signs include:

• I'm making it to work/placement (1/3 to 1/2 the time)
• I'm making it to school (1/3 to 1/2 the time)
• I have friends over (at least 1ce maybe 2ce a week)
• I'm making it to appointments (2/3 the time)
• I am reliably taking my meds (with no more than 1ce a week missed)
• I'm eating healthy, regularly. (occational fast food binges now down to 1ce a week)
• I'm not cutting.
• I'm not activly suicidal, and only periodicly get suicidal thoughts.

Unfortunately I am also:

• Loath myself during any period of alone time I get.
• Spend most of my time distracting myself from how I feel. (i.e., tv, video games)
• I'm smoking more pot that I should (I usually don't because it reacts negatively to me).
• I'm smoking more than I should (gone from 1 or 2 cigarettes a day to 6 or 7)
• I cry all the time.
• I don't let my fiancé touch, kiss, or hold me anymore. Having sex makes me cry.
• I play with my (very vicious) cat until he's scratched my hands bloody, then hold back tears.
• I can't think. My processing speed has diminished to the point where I get frustrated at trying to write and can't organize my thoughts properly. This means I can't get my homework done.

I can't accurately judge if I'm doing well or not, and if I'm not what I should do. I don't think I'm doing well, but my friends and supports think I am. I also know that if I went to hospital they wouldn't take me. I constantly feel like I need a break but am not aloud. I have work every day next week to catch up on hours (9-4) working with people with mental illness. All I can think is I should be where they are, and how much my co-workers bash them. All I can think of is the stigma of dropping out or even having bipolar or any other mental illness or learning disability. All I can think about is how much I just want to drop out of school/placement and hibernate until I feel better.

Does anyone have the power to stop time, and mind lending it to me? Either that or a suggestion on what to do, or a hint to how I'm really doing?