Your wording of what he does shows a good insight, I believe. He has "programmed himself" to respond to a particular stimulus. I can totally understand how that makes you feel excluded. It sounds like he has some sexual inadequacy. Apparently, his ex's didn't quite float his boat, despite being built according to his fantasies. So it seems that it is not your build that is the problem. It sounds to me like he just finds it easier to respond to porn. This video habit is potentially reinforcing that tendency. I can see where you'ld find that disappointing.

3 to 5 videos a month doesn't sound like all that hot and heavy an addiction. There is one word you use that I think is unfortunate - "confront." I'll never understand why, when someone talks to someone about a behavior that concerns them, they jump to the word "confront." It has the echo of a battle line being drawn. When people use the word, "confront," it signals to me that they feel they have a grievance.

Suppose you enjoyed reading racy novels about women who fell into relationships with devastatingly handsome and sexually potent men. Would this be something that your husband would have a right to "confront" you about?

I think that even married people have a right to a little personal privacy about their sexual fantasies. If his involvement with these videos is displacing his relationship with you, then that would be something to really worry about. If it was growing more intense, that might be something to get concerned about. You may be reading too much into this. Don't assume that he is not attracted to you.

I think that men who get involved in porn tend to have issues of insecurity and sexual repression. The bigger issue is not his interest in porn, but whether you are becoming dissatisfied with the intimate relationship that you and he have. You seem to feel secure that he loves you. I don't think I've ever know anyone well who would say that they had everything they wanted in their intimate relationship with their spouse.

I can understand you feeling some disappointment at this discovery. I would too. This might seem a stretch to do, but maybe you could inject some humor into this situation, without making him feel demeaned. This might call for some imagination.