Quote:
Originally Posted by Middlemarcher
Frankly, I think it's really invalidating to suggest that "true love is a rare phenomenon." I think that a lot of folks in the world would be surprised to find out that, in fact, they have never truly loved someone. I'm not even going to touch the stuff about rape...
But as for the rest of your post, I doubt that it's some matter of true love or imprinting or whatever. The meds surely complicate matters. And you said yourself that you could orgasm with your current lover at first.
It sounds to me like you had one fantasy (the idea of your first husband) that really got your motor running, and you got used to using it as your go-to. It's quite common for people to get used to orgasming in one way--through one specific type of stimulation, in one specific position, thinking of one particular fantasy, watching one particular type of porn. This becomes self-sustaining, and it becomes hard to orgasm in another way, with other fantasies, etc.
There are ways to get over this. One way is the cold turkey method: stop using that fantasy, period. When you masturbate, fantasize about something else. Sometimes, your body will eventually respond to this. You'd have to be willing to be patient and frustrated in the meantime.
Another method is to use your usual fantasy, bring yourself near orgasm, then switch to another fantasy. This can be tricky for women. You may need to switch just in the last couple of seconds, then the next time try to switch a little earlier, then a little earlier the next time, etc. A variant on this is to masturbate in your usual way / thinking about your usual fantasy, bring yourself very near orgasm, then stop; continue and bring yourself near orgasm again, then stop; repeat however many times, then switch over to a different fantasy / stimulus, and bring yourself to orgasm.
Or spend some time masturbating and daydreaming and see if you can think of another fantasy that gets your motor running even more. Or tweak your fantasy a little bit: for example, you could try imagining that you are with your current lover, but that your first husband is in the room, ideally with your main focus being on your current lover. Or imagine that you and your current lover are roleplaying that he is your first husband. Or talk to a therapist to see if you can suss out any underlying, unresolved issues that cause you to go to this fantasy.
In my experience, re-wiring your body to new types of fantasies and stimulation is a long-term project. But I suspect that it's possible for many, if not most people. If you do a Google search on how to change your fantasies, or something similar, you'll find more suggestions.
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I must have been very confusing. I do not have fantasies about my first H. He was a very handsome and exceedingly boring man, but we did produce a great child. He suggested that a woman sexually in love cannot orgasm with another man, and at that time I shrugged my shoulders, but right now I am finding myself a living proof of his test, so perhaps he wasn't as worthless as I later would think of him
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You mentioned porn genres - I do not watch porn, probably because I am not so visual. Whatever I watched was either highly entertaining (hilarious, really), or seemed completely and thoroughly stupid to me. I cannot comprehend how people can be aroused by porn, but for the fun value, yes I guess I can try watching. My current bf watches a bit of porn, and I asked him to give me a tour, but, once again, either is funny enough to merit watching or just stupid beyond belief (to me). So the route of watching porn together that some couples take is not for me.
You mentioned that I was getting orgasms with the current bf. I was, but with incredible difficulty, even though I was off meds. I had a whole thread here about masturbating in his arms and slowly having him take over. The sum total result of all those efforts is 1 orgasm entirely from his hand. 1 orgasm in over 1 year. And I did have to bring in a bit of the go-to fantasy still. later, I went back on Lithium and it makes things harder (but not as bad as Topamax/Geodon/Risperdal that all rendered me completely asexual).
Your suggestions on switching mid-course sound good, in theory, but not for me, since I orgasm almost instantly when I start thinking of the man, so there is no long-winded process that I can start-stop-start-stop. You need some length/duration to implement your approaches, right? Nor, frankly speaking, would I want to switch fantasies because it would make me sad that I have to think of something that is not the very best for me. And I already feel very sad, so I do not need to get even sadder. What I really want is to go back to FANTASY-LESS masturbation. I used to be able, years ago, to masturbate without fantasy twice a day and was totally happy with that. In the morning orgasms invigorated me and at night they put me to sleep without sleep medicine. That is what I want - healthy, invigorating or relaxing as per time of the day, wonderful, fantasy-less orgasms. And then I won't feel sad that I have to settle for a subpar fantasy material. I will just feel great that I am having great orgasms without a tint of sadness.