I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 1. I feel so alone when it comes to talking about my illness. Especially when I mess up by getting caught up in the moment. Acting out whether it's having those extra drinks even though I need to stop. Using recreational drugs. Making impulse decisions to sleep with inappropriate people even though I'm in a committed relationship. I don't think about the consequences ever in that moment. Then when I think back to it, I wish that I hadn't done what I did, but it's too late.

I call it my demons that come out. It's like I become this completely different person when it comes to my actions. Someone else takes over and I'm just a passenger as this person destroys my life. These actions finally took its toll on my closest friendships. I don't know the person that I am anymore. I feel so lost.

This past weekend I've been contemplating suicide because of my impulse actions. Like I should just end it so that I don't hurt anyone else. I don't tell anybody this because I don't want to worry them or be committed even though I believe I should be just to keep myself from harming myself anymore.

I feel alone. I feel hopeless.

Please someone tell me I'm not alone.