Hi there I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. But please know that you are among peers here. A lot of us have/still are contemplating suicide and just fighting to keep going everyday. You're being strong already by resisting the urge and I know many more people would be hurt if you hurt yourself.

Also, you're welcome to come share in the Depression forums more if you'd like. I don't know much about the Bipolar section since I don't visit but a lot of what you talk about is discussed in Depression threads.

Stay strong you aren't alone and there is always hope as long as you're still alive and fighting