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Originally Posted by HappyOne4U
Long read. Please bear with me I need help.
My bf is 27 and I am 21, we have been dating for about 3 years. Recently I've been feeling like my depression and self esteem have been plummeting because of him. I have no one to really talk too about my relationship (he gets upset if I vent to his friends because he says I'm going to change their views of him.) Here are some things he does that make me think twice.
-If i have plans with a friend he will get aggravated and threaten to go back to his home town to stay. Once I cancel my plans with said friend he won't want to hang out anymore and says that "I was looking too much into what he said"
-In an argument, even if I'm right he'll keep twisting things his way. He can never admit to being wrong. He'll call me crazy and delusional if I do prove him wrong.
-If I make him mad he likes to make sure everybody (all our friends) know and will make a big point to ignore me.
-If I do something to make him wrong (which is almost all the time, did I mention hes always unhappy with me?) I have to beg and beg for his forgiveness.
-If I want even the smallest bit of sympathy he says I need to grow up and stop playing 'victim".
These are just some examples. I feel like he will subtly punish me if I do something to upset him also. I have brought all these points up to him saying I feel he is unfair. His response is that I am the wrong who is that way. I honestly feel crazy. Can someone offer insight please?
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Are you out of this relationship yet? This is definitely abuse. I was in a relationship that was seemingly perfect for the first 6 months to a year. I don't remember exactly when he started doing the little mean spirited comments and being angry about me having friends and hanging out with my family... But I do know that it got much worse after a while.
There's a term that I haven't seen on this thread that I think may apply to your situation: codependency. There's actually a book called "Codependency No More" that I ended up reading. It was very hard for me to leave my ex... First of all, we had a child. Secondly, I was so worried about how he would respond to me about anything from going on a date (he watched me and had friends keeping tabs on me) to having friends over to my apartment. It took so much willpower to stop caring. But I did. You can too, if you haven't already.
I felt broken for a little while afterwards, I won't lie. It's very hard to come to terms with years of abuse and always making excuses for someone's behavior. I had essentially been lied to and lying to myself for years, which took a toll on my self esteem. I am now in a loving and supportive marriage with a wonderful and doting husband, yet still have some resonant self-esteem issues from "the dark ages" of my life.
Fortunately for you, the abusive behavior is just starting and there are no children involved, which should ease the transition for you
Best of luck!