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Originally Posted by hamster-bamster
I must have been very confusing. I do not have fantasies about my first H. He was a very handsome and exceedingly boring man, but we did produce a great child. He suggested that a woman sexually in love cannot orgasm with another man, and at that time I shrugged my shoulders, but right now I am finding myself a living proof of his test, so perhaps he wasn't as worthless as I later would think of him  . |
I admit I did have trouble following.
Sorry to have mixed things up.
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You mentioned porn genres - I do not watch porn, probably because I am not so visual. Whatever I watched was either highly entertaining (hilarious, really), or seemed completely and thoroughly stupid to me. I cannot comprehend how people can be aroused by porn, but for the fun value, yes I guess I can try watching. My current bf watches a bit of porn, and I asked him to give me a tour, but, once again, either is funny enough to merit watching or just stupid beyond belief (to me). So the route of watching porn together that some couples take is not for me.
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I didn't mean to suggest that you try watching porn or anything; I just raised it as an equivalent example of something that people get can get accustomed to needing in order to orgasm. I'm not generally interested in porn, either.
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You mentioned that I was getting orgasms with the current bf. I was, but with incredible difficulty, even though I was off meds. I had a whole thread here about masturbating in his arms and slowly having him take over. The sum total result of all those efforts is 1 orgasm entirely from his hand. 1 orgasm in over 1 year. And I did have to bring in a bit of the go-to fantasy still. later, I went back on Lithium and it makes things harder (but not as bad as Topamax/Geodon/Risperdal that all rendered me completely asexual).
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I don't mean to treat you like a teenager--I know you're a grown woman, and it sounds as though you've been around the block some--but are you sure that you really have any chemistry with your current lover? I was with my husband for 15 years (we were high school sweethearts). I loved him deeply and was very devoted to him, but the chemistry wasn't there. The sex was mediocre at best, and I never once had an orgasm with him, not even through masturbation. With my current significant either, sparks and orgasms galore. Mind you, the picture is more complicated than I'm presenting (I had a bunch of stuff to work through in therapy), but, you know, chemistry matters to a lot of folks. [Edit: Catching up on the thread, it seems that you know the right feelings and chemistry for you aren't there... The obvious solution, of course, would be to move on, but I know that's easy for me to say...]
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Your suggestions on switching mid-course sound good, in theory, but not for me, since I orgasm almost instantly when I start thinking of the man, so there is no long-winded process that I can start-stop-start-stop. You need some length/duration to implement your approaches, right? Nor, frankly speaking, would I want to switch fantasies because it would make me sad that I have to think of something that is not the very best for me. And I already feel very sad, so I do not need to get even sadder. What I really want is to go back to FANTASY-LESS masturbation. I used to be able, years ago, to masturbate without fantasy twice a day and was totally happy with that. In the morning orgasms invigorated me and at night they put me to sleep without sleep medicine. That is what I want - healthy, invigorating or relaxing as per time of the day, wonderful, fantasy-less orgasms. And then I won't feel sad that I have to settle for a subpar fantasy material. I will just feel great that I am having great orgasms without a tint of sadness.
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Well, if you orgasm within 3 seconds of thinking about him, then switch it off after 1 second. If it's within 1 second, switch it off after a millisecond.
I don't know. If you don't want to substitute another fantasy, then try starting with your fantasy and then switching to fantasy-less masturbation. Or you can just go cold-turkey no-fantasy, only trying fantasy-less masturbation. How long have you ever tried doing that, not even cheating and using your go-to fantasy once? (I mean in terms of days, weeks, etc, not minutes.) I'm afraid I don't have any more helpful tips on that front. Just as you have no personal framework for having an orgasm in a non-consensual scenario, I have never had an orgasm without fantasizing.
I don't know. Our bodies don't always respond the same way over time, or as we want them to. And sometimes with body changes or especially with meds, we may have to up the intensity of whatever our stimulus is; masturbate for longer, touch more vigorously, watch more intense porn, have more intense fantasies. (When I got on an SSRI, I had to significantly up the intensity of my fantasies, which were already distressing to me.) Perhaps this is your escalation--from no fantasy to one go-to. I do know, though, that we can get accustomed to one type of stimulus (for example, the classic problem of the guy who uses a "death grip" while masturbating and ends up not being able to orgasm in any other way), and I wonder if you haven't just gotten accustomed to this fantasy.