Sometimes, it really doesn't bother me that I've never had anything remotely sexual with another person happen in my life (...uh consensually) and other times it makes me feel horrible and less than human. There are just so many things that I haven't experienced that most people my age have and they are all out talking about their exes and marriage and kids and I haven't had my first kiss yet. Why? It's because I'm fat. I was so overweight in my early teens that I missed out on doing things that almost everyone else got to do and I hate myself for it. I've lost a ton of weight but now it's too late for me because I'd need a guy to be patient with me and go at the pace that people go when they first start dating and I don't know.
Who would want a completely inexperienced girlfriend at my age? I don't have any experience what so ever and I'm sick of feeling completely undesirable.

I just wish I had history with someone. Just something to look back on and remember I had. Even if it hurt me. I just don't want to feel like a little girl anymore and people say that girls can always get it and it's just so not true. Guys used to ask me out as a joke. They used to embarrass each other by chasing me down in the hallway and saying their buddy had a crush on me when it was very clear that they just wanted to embarrass their friend so they picked out the least desirable person in the hallway. The only person who ever wanted me sexually was my ****ing father and why would anyone want me after he ruined me?

My T tells me that I really need to not get in a relationship or have sex right now because I can't see my body having any value outside of sexual purposes and if I were sexually active now, I'd risk losing myself in sex. I agree. It's just really hard being 20 years old and listening to everyone talk about sex while I wonder what it feels like to be kissed or what a **** feels like just to touch.