Firstly, sorry for being very wordy but tried to provide much detail as possible. I just need to explain my past before I talk about my current situation.

I need some advice here but just a bit of background. I was married 25 years; my wife HS boyfriend contacted her in 2012, they got into an emotional affair, physical affair, she wanted a divorce. She made an agreement with her Affair Partner that she need to carefully strategize and would execute this 3-step plan and would not lie to me but she leave our all details. Her affair partner who lived in another country was also married with 5 children but was unhappy with his marriage.

So the story began with one night my wife planned to arrange our daughter (14 year old) to have a sleep over while we went out for dinner. Shortly after ordering our meals she told me that she wanted a separation and I almost fell off my chair. I didn’t know what was going on and she blamed me for everything. I was controlling and not trusting and I was confused!! I wanted marriage counseling, but she already made her mind up and would not budge. Followed her plan and ten days later she wanted to file for divorce and told me that she wanted to be divorced in 62 days. I was going nuts and confused on what the heck I had done. I asked several times if she was having an affair? Interested in another man? She actually got angrier with me for not trusting her!! She used that as another reason why she wanted to get a divorce. She needed her space and I was too controlling and not trusting. I thought I was a good husband who use to pay all the bills, do the grocery shopping, cook ALL meals but obviously I screwed up. But soon friends, family and my therapist told me things are not adding up and I soon got suspicious and put my investigating “hat” on. Just before her affair partner was going to fly down to meet her on a “business trip” to begin their physical affair, I found out about her affair (came across evidence) and hired a PI. That is when I felt betrayed, deceived, hurt and angry. She decided to move out of the house (she had no choice because I was not going anywhere) and the day she was moving I sat with her and confronted her about her affair partner. The first thing she said was he, “He contacted me first and it is not my fault!!” He was going to live next door to her apartment!! I felt betrayed, deceived and felt like crap about myself. When someone has an affair, it just takes your self-esteem down. So I decided to move on slowly and pursue a divorce. After about 6 months of living alone (wife moved out) I decided to get in the dating scene.

I met this really nice girl named Athena (10 years younger) I am 49 and she was amazing. Great sense of humor, pretty, smart, we got along great but she was also going through a divorce and we never got intimate. But we really liked each other and had so much in common. She had to be very careful as she was going through a bad divorce with a husband that was not a very nice man. We just kept a platonic relationship but we were very attracted to each other, but the stars never lined up. I have known her for more than a year and still keep in contact.

Then I met, Carla and believe she was my first rebound relationship. I was still not divorced but nearing the finish line. She wanted an exclusive relationship but I told her that I was not ready for that and wanted to date other women. We both decided to part our ways.

Then I met a really nice Asian girl named Julie and this is why I write to this forum hoping to get advice. She had been married 18 years but years of resentment destroyed her marriage. Her Ex-husband was a control freak and he pretty well did everything for her but it came at a cost. She said that her husband was extremely loyal and never worried about him getting involved with any infidelity but was very controlling and had major anger issues. She didn't know how to use a computer because he would not allow it!! The last 5 years of their marriage were horrible and it was like they were never married and did things separately. She finally took control of her life and decided to rebel against him arranging a trip with her mother to visit Japan. She always wanted to go but he would not let her. She did not want to ask for permission anymore but that was the final straw for her husband. And when he asked her if she wanted a divorce, she whole-heartedly agreed. After their divorce she dated an older gentleman (10 years older) as she felt lonely. She told me that this gentleman was nice, but wanted to tell her how to control her daughter and also felt they had little in common. Then she went out with a fellow (5 years older) but it only lasted 6 months. She told me that he was very unemotional, rarely joked around and was not “fun” to be around. She learned he participated in certain “narcotics” which he would not give up so she decided to end the relationship.
I met Julie about 1 year ago and we started to date. I told her upfront that I was not ready for any exclusive relationship yet and still going through a divorce. Time progressed; my divorce was finalized and we continued to see each other. Julie and I got along very well, she loved my sense of humor, she loved my cooking, loved being around me and she felt we had a great sexual chemistry between us. We travelled to a few places, go out for dinner on weekends, she would stay over my house the weeks we did not have our children (were at the Ex’s house).
After 6 months into our relationship you could see she was falling for me and more than I was falling for her. And the fact that I did not want to be exclusive was bugging her. I was dating other women (no sex) and seeing what was out there. I may have gone out with the same girl several times but generally it was a few dates only. To be honest, none of them interested me and then thought maybe Julie is good for me.

After seeing Julie for 7 months, me not being exclusive started to really annoy her. She would say, “Why don’t you call me your girlfriend?” Are you not happy to be with me? Why don’t you care about me?

One afternoon, she came over and was very distant. She kept on about me not being exclusive, not caring and she decided to break up with me and walked out of my house. Before she walked out, I told her I don't agree with her decision but wanted to be honest with her. I told her I just needed time to figure things out but would respect her decision. So she broke up with me.

Several days later Julie wanted to talk things through. She told me that she was willing to live with the fact that I could not commit yet. But she was still angry with me, as she wanted to know why I never called her when she walked out. I said, “you walked out!!” and she replied, “Yes, but if you cared you would have called!!!”. We talked things through and I agreed to resume our relationship.

Several months after that incident, she still wanted me to be exclusive so I thought, ”Okay, let’s try this out and see how it goes. I really liked her, so let’s see if we can take this relationship to another level and see if we love each other?”. So I agreed to be exclusive and our relationship took off. But things were still bugging her and things now started to annoy me. Here are some examples…

- I like going out to my local pub for a few pints (once or twice a week) . She does not like that fact I drink alcohol and thinks I am there to pick up women. This is farther from the truth. I go with a divorced friend that I have known for over a decade. He knew my Ex-wife, and when he was married when all would go on trips together as couples. And when I go for a drink, it is just for that; and kick back and have some fun.

- At one point in our relationship Julie’s car kept breaking down, so I would drive her to work early in the morning and would find a mechanic to get it fixed. Then she would tell me that the estimate was too expensive and she may know someone, so I would try to make arrangements with her friend to fix her car, while I had to get her car from the other mechanic. I would pay for them to look at her car, get her a rental, which she refused to drive and finally after 2 months, I had to ask her for the money.

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- Helped her buy a car (used BMW!!!) and when she started to sign her paperwork, I stepped back as I wanted her to have her privacy. She was angry with me, because she wanted me to look at the paperwork and thought I just didn’t care. I guess it was a big miscommunication. She would never tell me her age so I assume she wanted her privacy well they went over her credit score and financing. She regretted purchasing the car and then blamed me because I never looked at the paperwork and she felt she signed on a bad deal and could have gotten an even better deal. I felt bad so the next day I talked to the Sales Director to unwind the deal (very hard to do) and was successful. Then spent the following weekend trying to find her another car and closely watched every detail when she signed the paperwork and questioned the finance manager on a few issues before she signed the contract. She seemed happier this time around.

- When she does spend the night at my house (when our kids are with our Ex’s) I wake up around 5am to make her breakfast, start her car (winter mornings) and pack a lunch for her. I am not sure she really appreciates it.
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- She was trying to cut back on her finances, so I helped her find a VOIP phone set it up for her, found a cheaper internet provider but she felt she was paying too much for cable T.V. She was paying extra money for Asian channels and did that for the last 3 years. Since she would be over my house, I signed up for the Asian channels ($20 per month) but at a much cheaper price. I wanted her to be able to watch them when she was over my place. She then canceled her Asian channels from her cable provide ($40 per month) and watches them from the iPad mini and Roku I bought her. I am not sure she appreciates me paying for them nor has she offered to pay which confused me. I am not Asian but would have thought, "Hey let me pay for the channels since I canceled the other ones".

- When we had an ice storm, the city basically shut down but she was stuck at work. But her work arranged for the employees to stay the night at a hotel. Julie was angry with me because I never offered to pick her up while other husbands were picking up their wives. I told her on a good day it takes 25 minutes to get there and they warned people to stay off the roads. I asked her why did you want me to risk my life? She told me, “you could have at least offered and I would have said no”. I always feel like the bad buy.
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- And then a few weeks back another ice storm hit but not as bad. I told her that if she wanted, I could pick her up but it would take a few hours to get there. She had to pick her daughter from her ex’s so she decided to drive home. She only lives a few miles from me, so when she got home I told her that I wanted to drop by as I made Coq au Vin and a Germans chocolate cake. She responded with, “I thought you didn’t want to get into an accident ;-) “ I was shocked and upset. We didn’t text each other for 3 days. She finally texted me but continues to say, “If you cared about me, you would have texted me and not waited for me to text you”.
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- She seen a text from Athena a month ago and I was opening responding to it. It was just a hi how are you text? What have you been up to? You could see Julie was very upset with me and asked me to stop texting her. Then I told her about my other friends that are also females. Her response was she didn’t’ care if I communicated to the “other friends” but she wanted me to stop contacting Athena.

I am a very friendly outgoing person and she gets upset if a women clearly hits on me. I remember we were standing at grocery shop and this lady kept complimenting me but I don’t think she realized that I was with Julie. So to reassure Julie I hugged hug her in front of the lady to show I was taken and Julie did appreciate that. But Julie says, that I am just too friendly with people. I told her when we went to home depot, I was joking with the male clerk but my intention was not to hit on him!!! I felt her insecurities were getting the better of our relationship.

So a few nights ago and out of the blue; Julie asked me “Out of ten, how much do you like me? I said, “Julie, I really like you so rate it a nine, but you never asked me to rate our relationship. We have other issues such as trusting me”. She told me that I am just too open with people and she feels uncomfortable. She needs proof and then she will trust me.

For some odd reason she talked about her past relationships and made mistakes with her first and second relationship. She hooked up with them for the wrong reasons.

She does tell me that sometimes I can be impatient but she told me that I have a great sense of humor, fun to be around and we have great sexual chemistry. It was a strange night.

So now here is where I need guidance (good or bad).

If my girlfriend does not trust me, why wouldn’t she just break up with me? Isn’t that a deal breaker? If she is not that happy, why be with me?

Why can't she just appreciate things I do for her. It's like it is not enough!!

Perhaps I am at fault here and I am confused. Maybe I just got involved with someone that is similar to my ex-wife!! This is why I had to provide you with so many details about my past. I am hoping someone has some serious insight. I am starting to wonder if I am being manipulated and controlled or I am just being a jerk and not caring enough.