I think these discussions get complicated and people miss the point because so often, conversations about BDSM are aimed at dispelling myths: BDSM is not about abuse or non-consent, most people who participate in BDSM are not survivors of abuse, etc...

But some of us are, and that's a complicated thing to navigate. Snarky daddy, I think I understand somewhat where you're coming from. I'm a switch, but I have a particularly pronounced masochistic streak. I have worried whether my penchant for pain is tied to childhood trauma and self-image issues, whether I'm reinforcing trauma and negative patterns, whether I'm using it as a substitute for self-harming, etc. I've talked about this with my therapist a lot, and for me, what I came to was that as long as I wasn't coming out of a play session feeling badly (emotionally upset, guilt/shame, feeling bad about myself, having been triggered), I was okay with it. My solution was to identify the things (words, actions, situations) that stirred me up negatively, and make sure my partner knew to avoid those things.

It takes work to navigate that thin line, of course. I once saw someone out on the internet say something to the effect of "the subconscious doesn't understand consent vs non-consent." That definitely resonates with me. Consent or no, safe sane whatever, I can still get very stirred up on a subconscious level (physical anxiety symptoms, nightmares, bad sleep, etc).

But I understand being wired for this stuff. I'm not sure whether I just was born that way, or whether early childhood trauma might have contributed. I don't have a lot of explicit memories from when I was young. But the very first fantasies I can remember were of a sadomasochistic nature. I can have vanilla sex, and it's reasonably good. But BDSM gets me going a lot more.

I don't know if any of that addresses your post or whether it resonates with you at all. I know this is bound up with attachment issues with you, and I suspect that your attachment issues may be the opposite of my own (in a romantic relationship, I fall very extremely into the anxious/preoccupied category; some of BDSM for me is about that desire to completely merge with my lover). But I am sorry that you were triggered by what you saw, and sorry for what you've suffered, and I hope that you can have some productive conversations with your therapist. Hugs also to leomama.