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I'm stuck again... so F***ING stuck. I feel like I'm screaming but no sound comes out!
My severe depression is debilitating enough so that I cannot help myself. I can barely function. I am in the “in between” stage again… I’m not in horrific, hysterical-crying pain, but I’m not zombie-numb oblivious, either.
However, I am getting DESPERATE. I feel like I’m about to climb the walls or claw off my own skin, but I’m paralyzed in my stagnancy, darkness and fatigue. That invisible barrier that is holding me captive is getting stronger as I get weaker… or my depression is getting stronger and dominating over my every thought/action (or lack of action, I guess). I don’t know.
From a professional’s point of view, I am functioning enough not to need crisis intervention. I’m not suicidal. I know in the coming days that if this continues, I will have suicidal ideation. I still won’t actually attempt anything, though. (I’m pretty certain.) I know I need to call and make an appointment with a doctor, but I haven’t been to see a doctor or therapist in about 4-5 years. I don’t want to start the invasive process all over again. I don’t want to be on medication again. Based upon my prior history, anti-depressants aren’t even an option to consider. I, also, have some interrelating (physical) health issues. So, I don’t know which kind of doctor to call first.
No one can help me right now, but me… so I’m pretty much screwed.
I scream, but I have to voice. Everything is overwhelming. I’m annoyed and frustrated at the littlest things (this is not typical for me).
I can see the steps I must take, but I can’t move. I have to force myself to eat and sleep, but I can do little of either.
I am well enough that no one will intercede, but I’m sick enough that I can’t help myself.
Where does that leave me? My own personal Limbo…
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For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction. -Cynthia Occelli 
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