Hi Jacq,

I am sorry you're struggling so much right now. It seems you are hurting and thoughts about SI can be so distressing. But you know, you came here, you told us and that means you are not just sitting in a corner feeling sorry for yourself but you are expressing your distress. Many people don't realize how much that actually means you are alive, you have a healthy part inside you, you are not accepting the prison you feel you are in. Expressing needs is so important and so healthy, you are not beyond hope. And that usually helps me when I am in distress.
Today I was in a lot of distress myself. I felt very sorry for myself for having to go through chemo, for having to deal with a terminal diagnosis, for all the reasons I can not just go out and live like any other person.
But when I feel like that, I give myself 20 minutes to feel like absolute crap! I take off my curly wig that makes me look so sexy,lol.. I take off my make up to be the absolute unattractive cancer chemo girl. (oh yes, I am when I am without all my little tricks :-) I let everything wash over me, I feel sad and angry and distressed and frustrated and mad at the world and very very sorry for myself. I feel mad that no one is here to hold me in their arms or hold me hand, I allow the desire to call my T and tell her how I feel (usually I don't but I imagine what I would tell her and what she would say back to me) for exactly 20 minutes. (Yes, I even set an alarm, haha!)
After that I wash my face, I put on my wig, I put my make up back on, I smile at myself into the mirror and I can see that despite the challenges I face I am still here, I am still in this world and I have not been defeated yet. I tell myself to hell with all the people who hurt me, look at this strong woman who stares back at you. She has survived another day and this world would be less interesting without her.

I don't know if this helps, but it helps me to chose how I feel. I believe we can chose our feelings. When I read your post, I wanted to be the one who gives you the hug. I wish I could convince you that you are great and valuable and strong a whole lot more than you give yourself credit for! True, I don't know you, I don't know your struggles. But I believe we all are strong inside us and that means the strength to allow ourselves to be weak.

Give yourself a minute of complete validation, of complete love. And know, you have a lot of love and support from the people in this forum! You are not alone!

As to ask your therapist to hold you. If that's what you want, the ask. Try to not be afraid. I'll keep you in my thoughts!

Love,
Amelia