I'm just feeling so lonely and hopeless with all of this...I wish current T would just be gentle with me, but I don't think she can be, and I don't know if anyone can be, and even if they were, I wouldn't be able to accept it, and they might leave...

I know this is all the stuff you work on in therapy to begin with, but it's a really cruel joke that the only thing you can do to get better might actually make you worse, in the short run at least.

I was actually doing quite well before I started seeing current T, and the only reason I started seeing her was because I thought I was more stable and so ready to do the work to heal from past trauma. And things were fine with current T for the first five months or so, but now I don't know whether I'm attached to her or what's going on, because I just want her to reassure me and comfort me and tell me I'm not actually a bad client/person, even though her actions sort of suggest that I am, or at least that she doesn't care either way.

I was thinking today about whether she likes me, hates me, etc. and what I came up with is neither; she's indifferent towards me, and that hurts. And I don't know if that's reality or that's the way I'm interpreting it, and that's the hardest part, because she's not going to say, "Yearning, of course I like you and of course I care about you!" She might throw out her generic, "I care about all of my clients," but that's the best I'm going to get.

It hurts. And I feel guilty that it hurts so much.